Post

Great time. grateful.
I love being emotionless.

Muse - Starlight

This is in the top 3 favourite songs that I've heard this year. It's a beautiful song

J Dilla Interviews Pt. 2

Uuhhhhhh! takin it back to the cassettes!!! yeeeuh.

One of the best albums of all time

By the one and only J-Dilla.

What better year to get an Infiniti than 2'008'

It's been the dreamcar that I've been wanting for the longest. Well I originally was going for the G35 but I guess I just fell in love with the G37. It's my birthday present to myself. And I love it.

Common - I Want You -

oooh, the first time I watched this video I actually got a little bit emotional. Yea...it's a little too close to my case.....or at least what happened a few weeks back when I got drunk at the club and ran into Ernie. ALL BAD. including me punching him while I tell him "That's for breaking me heart!" oh no. to say the least....that wrapped up the finale to Ernie and Me.  To say the least

Dig

I really did try to avoid expressing myself about my break up once it happened because I feel that it was better for me to try to feel the least bit emotion over it after that night. I even tried to do that the during the hours that followed that phone call because I didn't want to let any emotion take me over, the only one that I allowed though, was probably anger. I was so angry. Angry at him and angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I knew it was going to happen when it did. It should have happened much sooner. However, I think that had it happened when he first told me that he wasn't over his ex wife yet, I know that I would have deffinitely taken it in a different way.....in a much more painful way. Okay, so Ernest and I meet in person after online messages back and forth for a few weeks and one phone conversation.....that night that we met was just, in a whole other world it seems. The connection was intense and magnetic unlike any that I had prior (maybe just the one I had with Luis when we first met was at that level....and Luis was my love unlike any other for that).....the attraction, mentally, emotionally and phisically. It was too much. But we both wanted this at that time. That's why we took the road that we took....I dissolved any ties leftover from the hopeless relationship that I was in with Alex at the time and just fell in full body, heart and mind into what was going on with Ernest. I was in complete awe that I had met him, that he was who he was and wanted me for who I am in all elements. I did have that initial doubt that this was too good to be true. But soon enough, I got rid of that doubt and trusted my heart into believeing that I was falling in love with him. Everything in that first month that we were together was, the greatest. I all of a sudden loved every part of my life regardless of the circumstances (like being unemployed and not doing anything really for a period of months) ...because he was a part of my life. He was giving me his all, his love, his trust, and I was doing the same....maybe for the first time it was such a mutual connection in all parts that although it was new for me, it felt so right. It felt like what I knew I had been desiring all my life. He fullfilled my desire and my passion....we had common music interests, and he was open about listening to new music, like the music that I love and am passionate about...that's important to me! I love being able to introduce my favourite music choices to the persons that I allow in my life because it's a part of me...and so when this actually happened like with Murs for example, it was awsome! Only John had been able to be about music like me....I mean it was John who made me listen to "The Panties" by Mos Def for the first time and it just electrified my life! That kind of effect is so rare and so amazing.....so when it happened with Ernest, it was like a form of bliss. He played "Can u work wid that" by DJ Quik for me that first night after dinner and I was impressed. It's a song that I hadn't yet discovered and maybe because I heard it there in his truck, and that bass ( of course I love bass like no other) hitting when it did was crazy! Anyway, like I said, everything was just happening at this speed that was overwhelming yet didn't feel like that. You know that feeling that you have when u meet someone for the first time and it's a connection that just takes over, you don't want to be apart not one second....you just want to hold on to that moment, that person, that experience, that feeling....because it's just.....beautiful and intense. It's that realization that the mystery of love is in your grasp and you don't want to let it go away. So yes, we went to Vegas the next day and spent, from my take, the best weekend I've ever had in my life. Yea, to this day. It was this completely spontaneous turn of events that resulted in nothing but the greatest time for me, and I believe, for him as well. That's why we went on to start our relationship together. Maybe thanks to our experiences from the past, was this new chapter so cherished and welcomed for one another in a stronger way than it might have been had it happened during a different time. He was trying to get over his divorce, and I was trying to get over the hopelessness that resulted from being in a relationship with Alex after he had been in Iraq for a few months. It wasn't a hopelessness that resulted from being apart from him for so long, it was his actions and desicions that dissolved our love... my desire for him. I wasn't in love with Alex like I might have thought I was, or was trying to convince myself to be when we were together. That being comfortable with each other and him with my family is what kept us together as long as it did. My hopeless romanticism wasn't enough to keep us together either, especially after the whole engagement fiasco and so on. I was at that point where I wasn't believing that true love could happen because of everything that I've gone through and what was happening that started to make me more of a sullen realist than a passionate optimist that I usually am. Especially whne it comes to my heart's desire. So I feel like that just added that fuel to the fire when I met Ernest that night. I believe that I felt what true love was like that night, and what it was suppose to be for the month that followed. Call it the honeymoon stage, but maybe that's what the impact of true love feels like, the honeymoon stage....which is how many experience in the beginning of a relationship only...and maybe are able to capture it again throughout which can easily just remind one of how great it is to be with this person.....maybe right. Well back to it, when he told me that he wasn't over his x wife yet, at the beginning of July, it just...left me speechless. I was in such a mix of emotions that I couldn't even react to where I probably would have had I not been overwhelmed with the intensity of our relationship at that point. It went from such a drastic point to another that I just couldn't even try to figure it out. I had sensed a change in him in the week before and instead of trying to ask him about that sudden distance that I felt from him from one day to the other, I just chose to left it go and hope that I was only overreacting over nothing. I felt like I should leave him alone and just give him as much space as he wanted since we had spent almost a whole month with each other non stop. Yea, I probably still lack that comunication factor that kind of goes with my introvert ways that I've had all my life. I may be able to give it my all, but my mind still holds back in so many ways. That's a big reason why I became so intrigued with psychology...by just having the kind of mind that I have.....it's a force that I'm sure I can thank for every desicion that I've made in my life...the good and evil of it. Anyway, to sum up that second month, what I started to do was to try to detach myself from him in all ways possible. Just in case. I realized that I was way more in love with him that I thought I was when he went to Phoenix for almost a week during the 4th of july and I was at my house by myself, right after he told me that he wasn't over his ex yet. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't stop crying when I started to think about the possiblity that we might not be together when he came back. Feeling that void in my heart was just as intense as the feeling of that fullfilment that being with him brought me. I couldn't believe that everything had been so great and then so lost from one moment to the other! I pretty much broke my own heart right there and then because I couldn't think of how much worse it would feel when he would choose to end it. That was one of the worst weeks that I've gone through in a while. The doubt that was more real than anything...especially after having trusted my heart to fall in love in the way that it did. That's why I was so heartbroken...I only failed myself for allowing my mind to trust that desire. So now I was in complete confusion over where we stood. I was preparing myself for the worst when he came back. He just, came back....and this is where I just will never know,...if he was trying to make it work with me because he truly wanted to, or because he felt like maybe he should.....to try to get over her for real. So that second month was really awkward. We were both just letting it go on to see what happened next. It did however, give me that time that I think I probably needed, to keep the proccess of detachment continue and to try to fall out of love with him.....because odds were, that he probably wasn't going to be so successful in just moving on from his ex in entirety....maybe he felt that he was finally moving on when we met. I seriously believe that was all genuine. I just don't think that it was as strong as it seemed since it ran it's course for a month and then he was back to nostalgia for her. There were moments, and days where it seemed like everything was back to the way it was at the beginning...and maybe I fed off those moments enough to keep going...hoping it would just all come back for us. The third month we were togther was a combination of that. Plus I became a little bit more busy with traveling to Cali and having my sister here for 3 weeks. I was able to put my mind on other things. And finally, I was able to land the job that I just really needed in my life right then. So we only spent a few days together when we could. Those days were good. But of course I knew that the feeling was gone. It wasn't there for him anymore I think. His interest in me was no longer what it was, espcially if he was comparing it to his feelings for his ex. I know, you can't help but to compare these things because it's all a part of your life, and you like to look at all parts and try to figure out what is going to work best for you. Anyway, when I started training for 5 weeks in Chandler, I really figured that this was going to either make it or break it. The first week I was there, it felt like we were going to make it. He was so attentive in communicating with me throught those days and it felt like this was really going to work. Then the week after that was completely opposite and it was just a repeat of that bad week I had for 4th of july. The fact he didn't want me present at his sister's wedding that weekend was right on it. His whole perception of who I was in his life became conflictive to his enjoyment of the event. I wanted to be there so bad. I wanted to see Anissa in her dress, his mom living out such a beautiful day for her daughter, I came to appreciate and care for them so much that seriously, with him not wanting me there, completely just finished the whole heartbreak and let me know that I just wasn't important to him any longer. So the phone call that we had the monday after the wedding was exactly what I had been preparing myself since the second month.....he finally just didn't want to continue our relationship and that's it. Be it that he's still in love with his ex wife, or just wants to be single, or just doesn't love me at all......that's it. The end. It is what it is. I tried to take it as best as I could, as non emotionally as possible, and it worked for a few hours. I'm grateful that I was where I was at, in life, phisically and on a road that was only set for success career wise and financially as well.....and I was around the persons that I am blessed to now have in my life as friends, no matter where we are located....they were there for me in all genuine ways as it was them who didn't want to leave me alone right after and gave me nothing but love and friendship that seriously, I hadn't experienced since I moved out here. Of course once I was alone in my room at the end of the night, it all hit me liek a ton of bricks and there I was crying....crying the last of the love and attachment that I had for him and us......it was the end of something that was so amazing for a period of time, and I'm always going to be grateful for that..and I guess it's my own fault that, or it's on me that I will now compare any succeeding relationship in the way that it feels from the start, to that of the one I had with Ernest. I think that's why I really have that urge to go to Vegas alone or with someone else so that I can make new memories so that I don't dwell on the ones I have with him. Replacement, of course doesn't always work. But I could at least attempt it. Everyone has to do what they have to in accomodation to balancing out their emotions for everyday life. Or to make life go smoother, better..or just different from the previous as ways to move on and keep going. It isn't until now, 3 years later, amd I completely over Luis like I never thought was possible. It took time, and everyhthing that happened during to be able to move on from him. Even though he was still a part of my life during that entire time, but things had changed, even if I didn't want them too. What's true is true and will last.....it will be able to accomplish the impossible and conquer all obstacles that are guaranteed when it comes to relationships. If you both want something so bad, like each other, and a life together...then there is no feeling of "requirement" to do things together . It's a desire of not wanting anything but that life together, because I still believe in true love. I'm a living definition of love and passion because it's always been a part of me. And during that time of my life where there was the absolute void of self love, was it just an element that proved to be necessary in recaptivating my true self and making it the most concrete part of me for the rest of my life. That desire and passion that I have about the person that I'm in love with, is just a branch of how I am about myself. And this experience with Ernest proved just so. I was able to fall in love like I didn't really think was possible...and am able to take the best of it and appreciate it and learn from it now that it's over. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it's only been about 3 weeks since he broke up with me. (I knew as much as I should have, I couldn't initiate it because I wanted him so much regardless)....but from this being so the truth of all experiences continues in never being an experience that doesn't make you a better person afterwards. I didn't do anything to make it end on my behalf....because I didn't want it to end,. and I'm not going to let this bring me down whatsoever. what's the point in that. One window closes, and another one always opens if you're doing things right. Believe me, it's going to take a while for me to trust my heart's desire again.....It's much more convenient to feel like an icebox for a while during which I can focus on working and making money. A new chapter once again. And I can't help but to feel some happiness in the results. I have to, I can't feel bad especially if he's not. Which I'm sure, he isn't. That's just the way it is.
Listening to: "Dig" - Incubus

Radiohead How To Disappear Completely (perfect audio)

My favourite Radiohead song of all time.Takes me back.

U want it I got it

I got the job! My training starts Monday in Chandler. I was scared and stressed for a minute that I might not get it since I had not heard anything from them in over a week..but I got my confirmation call yesterday and all good. So 5 weeks, Monday-Fri...or Monday -Thursday...gotta check that out, but anyway, weekdays over there with weekends off. I'm excited, especially about making some money finally. Dude, get my bank accounts rolling again. Good times to come.
So both houses are on the market, so we'll see what happens next with that. I'm just happy that I'm on the road that I want to be on. Finally.


Listening to: "Afuera" by Caifanes

fer real fer real?

We might b moving to Dallas, TX. word. My mom has gotten the idea of selling this house and moving over there, mainly to be closer to her side of the family, since she has like, 4 sisters and a brother that all live there. It's definitely something to think about. I'm just waiting on this job. If I get it, and let's hope that I do....I will be making enough money to maintain myslef, I think. So that I don't have to move. Because I don't know if moving to Texas is something I want. I kind of want to be on my own now. Like get my own place. Not having a job and steady income is the only thing in my way right now. Plus, I don't want to leave the relationship that I'm in because I'm forced to move.....nah. I love my boo. I have to get this job!


Listening to: "Bedtime Story" by Madonna

This is why

I just don't paint my own nails. I do a crummy job. Plus, my fingernails are sooo wide, it's just plain weird.

What it is right now.

Artist: Omarion
: Ice Box (Remix)
feat. Usher

[Omarion]
I don't know
Should I stay
Should I go
Yeah, I know
It's the remix, remix
Yeah
See
I'm in this situation
Think I need a little help
Let's go
[Verse 1]
When this began, we were friends
She knew all my business (business)
All my good, all my bad
Said that she was with it(now)
I got memories, this is crazy
She ain't nothing like that girl I used to know
Didn't believe she would creep
Thought we was forever (oh)
She broke out,
I broke down& that's just all that left of us (oh)
Now these memories, they be haunting me
You ain't feeling me
My girl's about to go
[Hook 1]
& I really wanna work this out
Cause I'm tired of fighting (if that don't work)
&I really hope she still want me the way I want her (you'll get your feelings hurt)
I said I really wanna work this out
Damn girl
I'm trying
Here's the remix (remix)
[Chorus 1]
I got this ice box where my heart used to be
[2x]
but (said)I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold (ohh)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
[Repeat]
[Usher - Verse 2]
Ha pimping listen
Hold up now
Take your time
Let me get this right (huh)
You tripping on what's in front of you
Cause you're looking behind you (yeah but I mean)
You got memories (but)
Take it from me (cause)
She ain't nothing like oh girl you used to know
If shawty's doing right by you
Maybe you should let it go
At the end of the day,
It ain't worth it
Wanna know how I know (how you know)
Remember confessions
So you already know that it's gonna hurt
Shawty, learn your lesson
You don't really wanna feel the burn
No, listen[Hook 2]
If you really wanna work it out
Then stop denying (denying)
Quit living in the past of time
You face the truth (truth)
If it's ever gonna work out
You gotta stop lying
Stop blaming her when it's you, that's
[Chorus 2]
Got the ice box where your heart used to be
Got a ice box where your heart used to be[Omarion]
I'm so cold I'm so cold I'm so cold I'm so cold (ohh)
I'm so cold I'm so cold I'm so cold
[Usher]
Boy you gotta ice box
[Repeat]
[Omarion]
I don't wanna be stuck off in this cold cold world
Don't wanna mess this up
Better keep your eye on me, girl
[Usher]
Leave the past in the past
Gotta let it go (say bra)
You gotta know when to move on (say bra)
You gotta know when to let go (yes sir)
Don't lose ya lady[Repeat]
[Hook 1]
[Chorus 1]
This is the remix
This is the remix
Go ahead replay it
This is the remix
[Omarion]
Omarion
Girl, I really wanna work this out
Cause I'm tired of fighting

mood: Emotionally exhausted.

Be.

"Running"

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side
Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love
[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated
Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up
[Repeat chorus twice]

(The future)

Listening to: "Running" by No Doubt.

Can I get a yes!

I finally completed the Verizon assesments and I've been e-mailed that I did a succefull job in answering all the right questions, so now I'm waiting about a week to hear more from an actual HR person. Hopefully everything goes well. I actually have another op available that is deffinitely lower paying ($8.00/hr) but more in my desired field....that job is being an aid to a case manager that deals with social services and aid to those that need it....kind of like what the salvation army does to help people that need money to pay their electricity bill, need financial assistance, place to stay etc.....and the part that really interests me is the refferal part of that job...I want to work in behaviour modification, which means that I would get to assist those that need help like, addictions rehabilitaion by reffering them to the proper place of help.....so that's where I'm at right now.....I can just wait out to see if Verizon hires me as customer service (which by the way, I dislike doing retail but...it starts at $10-12 an hour d.o.e..and I qualify for $12 thanx to my experience)...or jump into this case management aid spot..which pays less, but might do more for me regarding my chosen career.....hmmmm. Well first things first, I want to go to Salinas on Wednesday morning and stay until Sunday...I would be going with my brother. However, although it is the plan, my dad has now come to disagree with us going there altogether because......"It's not a good place to be"...duh! hahaha. That's why we no longer live there! Maaaan, we are just planning to go visit some peeps, I have a wedding that I need to attend and that's that. We grew up in Salinas so of course we know how bad it is. That's obviously not the reason that we are going back for...but anyway, it's more or less a waiting game thanks to the financial spot that I put myself into. If I had the money to go, I would have been there already.....times will change though. No doubt.

Listening to: "Simple Man" by The Grouch.

J Dilla - Nothing Like This

AND STILL.


I wish he felt like this about me.

I Melt

For Benjamin Bratt.

O Lord.

Take a Chance cause U might grow

Not my artwurk......but This goes back to my favoruite song of the moment, Gwen's "What You Waiting For?".......It's some kind of creative inspiration with this current moment. "Writer's Block"...hahahaha.

Listening to: "What You Waiting For?" by Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For?: Explicit, Directors Cut, Closed Captioned

Uuugghhhhhh! This is my song!!! I don't know what I'd do without it right now!....It's my beat right now!

Like You - Bow WOw

I know the video is very whatever, but I love this song. I always have, and I might be the only one who still loves it too. I mean, even Ciara moved on from bow wow to Fiddy. haha. I love the chorus...that's what did it 4 me.

Girl, girl, girl, girl

Because really, there's no such thing as too much of me. hahahahaha.

Listening to: "Girls, Girls, Girls" by JayZ

Sometimes

It doesn't take a lot to make me happy. Yesterday, It was taking out all the books I had in a box in the garage and going trhough them and putting them in my room. All the books that I've acumulated from 1999-2005. Even my old sketchbooks with battle rhymes, words of thought and memories all captured in pictures and words from those times. I swear I felt like I was back in my old room, looking through all this. "I got memories". Haha..listening to the Icebox remix is crazy right now cos sometimes, I feel like it really talk about what it is right now. With some things. "Trippin on what's in front of you cos you're looking behind ya"...That's the truth! Maybe I should b more cold. Wait, wasn't that a goal for me this year? Stop caring so much about others? hmm. I don't think I can do that now that I've been sober for the longest. Nah, it's just more about the fact that I have to care about myself over everything right now. Like how crazy it's making me that I don't have any money since I've been unemployed, although I am working on that. Yes, I kinda had refused the idea of doing anything involving customer service, however, there's isn't much of another option around here. So mayb Verizon or T-Mobile will hook it up. I applied 4 Verizon earlier today...we'll see whats up with that. On a lighter note, I can't wait to go back to Cali! I was hoping on doing that sometime this week..so I could be there this weekend..and stay a week.....but since my brokeness has to wait for moms to supply the funds for that trip, it's on her to see when I go...and she's actually coming back on Friday nite....that way the house doesn't stay by itself, and I don't have to take Chanel with me either. So I'm thinking maybe next Monday night. I want to see Ernie before I go, but he went on his own mish this week and I don't know when he comes back either. Yea, I don't think he really cares about what I do sometimes...or what happens to me. That might be because I'm not up to much right now, but don't ever think I'm predictable. Never. I have too much intention to not do anything with it, ya dig? That's why I need to bounce for a minute and breath some of those memories back to life. The good ones, filled with all my friends from back then...just to catch up. Just like those books, remember who I was because it made me into who I am..and there's no one that loves me more than me. Let the good times roll.

Listening to: "Initiated" by Makaveli, Daz & Kurupt 'Thug Pound'

Shakira - No

Acumular Intentos.........

Finished product

After the unnecessary events that today brought, this is the only great accomplishment....I only took 2 days to draw it. Not bad after not drawing anything in over a year.

I'm determined to make the rest of today completely different from yesterday. Yesterday was like an act of disregardment. Over what matters. I wish I didn't care like I do. Fuck emotions.

work in progress

But I think I still might have some skillssss

Old school verses

click this and read it! It's genuine old school, from my beloved days as IMPRESS1...aka.....N.I.A.

la verdad sobre la verdad

No estoy tan segura sobre como exactamente me siento sobre todo en este momento. Me siento bien. Me siento media confundida. pero creo que todo se trata sobre como es que me quiero sentir. La mente es algo increible, por decir lo menos. La mente tiene el poder de transformar todo lo que quieres en la realidad. Como, por ejemplo, la addicion. Poco a poco, hay realizacion sobre todos las addiciones que tiene la persona. Como yo. Y bueno, que es la addicion verdad? Sera que es algo que tienes en la vida que no puedes dejar de tener, que no se puede imaginar vivir sin. Hay addiciones como para morir. de todo se puede ser addicto. A las substancias ilegales, al acohol, comida, tabaco,compras, de todo, hasta personas se pueden convertir en addiciones. O sera eso algo mejor conocido como el amor? Creo que eso se puede confundir muy facilmente. Especialmente en los casos en donde se trata de dejar un addicion por otra. Como tener una fijacion oral, y tener que tomar algo en boca a cada rato, sea comida, cigarrillos, dulces...etc. No importa que sea, pero tiene que ser algo. Habeces siento que eso mismo hago yo con la addicion que tengo con la metaemfaminas. A sido la peor addicion de mi vida, a ser que puse mi vida y mi libertad completa en peligro los 5 anos que la consumi diariamente. Era lo peor. Ahora, tengo mas control sobre esa addicion gracias a las experiencias que pase y a mi mentalidad que es mas poderosa que esa addicion. Eso si e descubrido. Que mi mente es increible. Se puede hacer todo de todo gracias a mi mente. Pero a la misma vez, creo que mi propia mente tiene ese poder que muy facilmente me pone en peligro porque habeces, el deseo y el placer tiene aun mas, control y poder sobre mi vida. Eso tiene mucho que ver con las emociones creo yo. Yo soy una persona muy emocional. Como eh deseado que no fuera asi. Esas mismas emociones si me han dado gracia al haberme dado tanta pasion en la vida. Osea, soy muy apacionada. Bueno, las emociones son algo muy poderoso. Al haber tenido las experiencias de todo tipo de emocion, tengo mucha saviduria sobre esto, y como la mente no tiene palabra en controlar la vida cuando se siente una emocion tan poderosa, sea una emocion buena, como el amor, la felicidad, o sea una emocion no tan agradable, como un qubramiento del corazon, la perdida del amor, la soledad, la deprecion. Cuando una emocion tan poderosa te tiene entrapado, sea lo que sea, es una batalla increible sobre la emocion y el poder mental. La mente como eh dicho, tiene ese poder de hacer todo una realidad. Pero si creo que las emociones tienen el derecho de sentirse, para poder sentir como se vive la vida...porque una vida sin emociones no tiene razon. Las emociones hacen la vida lo que es. Al sentir la felicidad, es algo que creo que todo mundo quiere sentir a toda hora, sea lo que sea en poder lograrlo.......en eso creo que las addiciones se hacen a la misma ves en siertas maneras. Digo en mis experiencias con mi addicion de drogas......el sentimiento que tengo al consumirlas era algo que jamas habia sentido...era algo que me hacia sentir un extacis, una felicidad y sentirme muy agradable por ese instante. Al sentir eso, queria sentirlo a todas horas.....y en eso se creo mi addicon....el ciclo de locura que me tenia entrapada en consumir esta droga para poder sentirme bien a todas horas. Ahora para poder relacionarlo con la emocion del amor......que habeces creo que se puede entender como una addicon igual.....tener que estar con este amor para poder sentirse bien, tener esa felicidad a todas horas.......y en eso, creo que lo mas beneficial para uno, es tener la mente en posicion mas fija y madura para no dehar estas emociones tomar control absoluto sobre la vida de uno. Y en eso creo que ahora yo misma me encuentro.......ahora mismo no tengo esa mentalidad fija donde tiene ese control sobre mi vida cuando las emociones se ponen en lugar. sean las emociones en donde creo que me siento enamorada.....y no querer estar sin este amor a todas horas para poder sentirme 'bien'. Y al no tener este amor, querer reemplazarlo con algo como las substancias.....n esto, al haberlo visto solamente en las palabras que ahora estoy escribiendo me doy cuenta que no es tan dificil en tomar este control. Aun ay una emocion mas poderosa e importante que todas....el amor de uno mismo. Ese sentimiento tiene todo el control en vivir la vida un poco mejor.......conste que tengas la mentalidad fija.......

Pop quiz hot shot!

Mood: REFLECTIV

Just a little holla back to what's going on with me and mine. I'm living life a little bit on the slow side. Very few days do I feel discontent with that though. Sometimes I think that it might be because from 2001-2005, I was living life at 200mph. I was so messed up on meth that I aged soo bad, my intelligence became absolutely criminal, only working for the worst, and I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired over depression and my own heartbreak about my choices with my life during the time. 2006 was a complicated and yet very important year of my life. I put myself in a spot that I never thought I would be in, and I overcame it. I learned, a lot. About everything. Especially about my own strength when worst came to worst. 2007 has been a good year. Like I said, it's been slow, but I feel like it's in a healthy way. I'm catching up with myself in soo many ways. About everything. Especially about where I want to go with my life. I am in the best relationship of my life. I'm still a little scared to admit that I am in love, although I am indeed IN LOVE. I'm being cautious though. So maybe I shouldn't admit that I am in love. I just don't want to be faced with the fact that it wouldn't be mutual. So I'm taking it slow. But don't be fooled. In no time will I be back to fullspeed. With work, school and that healthy drive of love, desire and intention. With a little bit of crazy. Because after all, it is me I'm talking about. Word.

The Letter "E"

This letter had a lot to do with my day today. In an odd way. It starts out with the last dream that I had before I woke up this morning.....I was somehow romantically involved with the actor named Guy Ecker ( Mainly Latin telenovelas, Las Vegas as 'Detective Luis Perez') who is soo handsome....and at the same time, I was also romantically involved with Eminem. Yes, completey random! But I was enjoying every second of it! That's what I remember. By the way, my boyfriend's name is Ernest. Yes, the letter "E". And to make everything else weird, some girl on Myspace messages me asking if I hooked up with her boyfriend Elusive. Elusive is a music producer whom I have never met in person. I have some of his music, but I've never met him. See what I mean? wEird.

Lauryn knows.

Artist: Lauryn Hill
Album: MTV Unplugged 2.0
Song: I Gotta Find Peace of Mind

I gotta find peace of mindI know another cord...I gotta find peace of mindSee, this what that voice in your head saysWhen you try to get peace of mind...I gotta find peace of mind, I gotta find peace of mindHe says it's impossible, but I know it's possibleHe says it's impossible, but I know it's possibleHe says there's no me without him, please help me forget about himHe takes all my energy, trapped in my memoryConstantly holding me, constantly holding meI need to tell you all, all the pain he's caused, mmmmI need to tell I'm, I'm undone because, mmmmHe says it's impossible, but I know it's possibleHe says it's impossible without him, but I know it's possibleTo finally be in love, and know the real meaning ofA lasting relationship, not based on ownershipI trust every part of you, cuz all that I... All that you say you doYou love me despite myself, sometimes I fight myselfI just can't believe that you, would have anything to doWith someone so insecure, someone so immatureOh you inspire me, to be the higher meYou made my desire pure, you made my desire pureJust tell me what to say, I can't find the words to sayPlease don't be mad with me, I have no identityAll that I've known is gone, all I was building onI don't wanna walk with you, how do I talk to youTouch my mouth with your hands, touch my mouth with your handsOh I wanna understand, the meaning of your embraceI know now I have to face, the temptations of my pastPlease don't let me disgrace, where my devotion laysNow that I know the truth, now that it's no excuseKeeping me from your love, what was I thinking of?Holding me from your love, what was I thinking of?You are my peace of mind, that old me is left behindYou are my peace of mind, that old me is left behindHe says it's impossible, but I know it's possibleHe says it's improbable, but I know it's tangeableHe says it's not grabbable, but I know it's haveableCuz anything's possible, oh anything is possiblePlease come free my mind, please come meet my mindCan you see my mind, ohWon't you come free my mind?Oh I know it's possibleAnything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeeyAnything, anything, anything, anything, yeeeyAnything, anything, anything, anything, anything, yeeeyOh free! Free, free, free your mindFree, free your mind... free, free your mindFree, free, free, free your mindOh, it's so possible, oh it's so possibleI'm telling you it's possible, I'm telling you it's possibleFree, free... free, free... free, free... get free nowFree, free... free, free, free, free... free, freeYou're my peace of mind, that old me is left behindYou're my peace of mind, you're my peace of mindHe's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mindHe's my peace of mind, he's my peace of mindWhat a joy it is to be aliveTo get another chance, yeahEveryday's another chanceTo get it right this timeEveryday's another chanceOh what a merciful, merciful, merciful GodOh what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful God

When it was.

Artist: The Grouch & ElighAlbum: No More Greener GrassesYear: 2003Title: Everafter


Grouch:]Hangin on the brink of eternal energy lasting,Well I think I'm readier burnin the ever after.Movin in this ship across the waters of our destiny,It's legendary speech we took and made it all a path to...[x2][Eligh:]The simple thing is the most difficult to achieve,In a maze of life that we travel upon.Sometimes I feels like I'm pawning a check,At the city group and ? squeezing your life out slow.Hoping I can slay the dragon's soul, then I would behold,Just like a fold in a page, that reads life's cold.(cold, cold)And you gotta be bold to rock, to hold ? glock.Perfectly ready for battle, able to tackle the gravel that lay ahead in the trench.Did I mention intention? We take a tunnel through time,Make a run up [?]on rhyme[?] On the drop of a dime.Makin fun of a fine bitch who's [?]cell on their mind[?] with nothin to find.While she gets it from behind. We took 'em one at a time.Like a day of my lifespan, make it all acountable on me cause I'm a new man.Heard that from a lot of poetry from me in the stands.Lookin from a new angle that try... harder. Not rectangle the foundation,I mangle the sound place that supports the sports I play. Hopin it could always make sense of healthy ways, they needed wealthy ways.When I'm on the brink of eteral energy lasting Well I think I'm readier burnin the ever after.Movin in this ship across the waters of my destiny,It's legendary speech we took and made it all a trip.Drinkin off a sip, naw. Never catch a lock jaw.Alcoholic, I can see you're drippin off the lips, y'all.Lookin at me funny. On the stage I'm rockin mics for people listenin for truths.Take your neck and pop the noose. Make your body fully loose, Cuz I produce and mass prooduce, and that's the truth.Listen to everlasting proof, the last recruit,Lookin at me like that's the fool who mastered toons.I pimp up my sound to cruise in cars, cuz she was hard to fool not hard to do.Is the man marvelous, harvest? He may be modest, kept my missin anaconda inside.Made as a minus. Chokin your lungs until you can't hear yourself any longer.Makin the right choices in life makes you stronger.Can't keep stagnant man, any longer. Makin the right choices in life make you stronger.[Chorus x2][Grough:]My energy: everlasting. You lookin' at a winner, see?Absorb it now. I breed growth while they come up with that morbid style.[?]throw sneakers on the ground. Never gettin' weaker I'm a leaker to the child.[?]Feed the animal inside the Grouch. I'm on a mountain face, soakin' up sun.I'm'a place till the job is all done. I'm'a ball young cuz I gotta raw toungue.Got 'em all sprung cuz 'a how I'm not dumb. And that's something that I'm proud of. Heh, nothing comes something. Belief is only one thing, you can do umpteen.Exercises bless the wisest, Lets devise a scheme to stay alive it's mean on the streets killin dreams on the beat,With only beans on my plate, I'm'a lean on my mate,To make due. And know it's not fate when I break through.

My dream car

Ever since I can remember, I have dreamed about this car. It's my classic Porsche Speedster.

common

My true GO!
I love my EV!

Say Somethin - *Mariah Carey*

Don't let the pink fool ya

cos I can still kick your ass.

Mi amor y yo.

This was from last weekend in Phoenix. We have so much fun just being around each other. It's Love. Like I've never felt before. That's a definite.

In Love In Vegas pt. II

In Love In Vegas

I'm in love.

I'm in love with him

We found each other on May 25th.

I've never felt like this.

Lupe Fiasco- And He Gets The Girl

I love this song

Lupe Fiasco - Sunshine (Live at AOL Music Sessions)

Thi is how my boo makes me feel.

Mo-Des-Toh!

Good times in Modesto this weekend! The wedding was aight. They had the best wedding cake ever! (Cheeeesecake!) I saw my Ru-D! it was funn.

Just to get a rep

20 years ago I...
1. was 3 years old.
2. lived in Watsonville, CA.
3. Was the happiest. This, I remember.

10 years ago I...
1. was deeply depressed.
2. was 13, and about to start my freshman year.
3. Hated the way I looked.

5 years ago I...
1. was deep into my crystal meth addiction.
2. tried to commit suicide by drowning in the Pacific Ocean. I went elbows deep in before turning back.
3. weighed about 110 lbs. Height of 5'7".

3 years ago I...
1. fell in love for the first time, with Luis Miguel Lopez.
2. was on probation for my 2003 possesion of an illegal substance conviction.
3. went into rehab.

1 year ago I...
1. was living in Salinas again, working for a job I had started to hate.
2. was not so healthy and felt miserable.
3. was missing Yuma, AZ and my mom.

So far this year I...
1. have finally returned to school.
2. have been in the best relationship of my life, with myself ( true self love!).
3. have become healthy in every sense.

Yesterday I...
1. took my music appreciation final.
2. bought some really cute steve madden shoes.
3. just felt good.

Today I...
1. Took my psychology final.
2. have yet gone to sleep, but about to..
3. feel detached from him.

rant rant rant rant

the bizzmillion things going on in my mind..........I'm trying to apply everything I've learned about myself regarding self improvement to my own desicions and choices that I make in everything because, well, for growth right? So I'm no taking 2 steps back? So I don't relapse. o and by the way, this weekend that I was in Salinas, was bad. not all of it. I got to see Luis. My heart. I got to hang out with the coolest cousins that I have, Maricruz and Edgar. The bad, I became upset at the fact that my parenst didn't want to let me go into Salinas (we were in Watsonville) because they still worry that I might want to smoke some shit again. as angry as I was over it (I felt like I had not given them a motivation to why)...they were right. I did want to get high. I wanted to buy a sack so that I smoke it and see if I could lose some pundage asap. what growth is that? What part of self improvement is that? maybe the fact that I DIDN"T.....but the thought was there. the motive really was there. Maybe because I was upset over it. Maybe because I'm slowly becoming obssesed and depressed over my weight. Over my body. My god. Why is this happening.The majority of the time....I do not think like this. maybe it was the state depedent variable of being in that place.....the whole routine of making that call, picking up that sack, packing the pipe, taking a hit, and not worrying about hunger for the next few days....... "You look much better now. U didn't look right so stick thin like u were before" - Luis. balance. balance. I'll find it. I'll find that balance.
Alejandro. The reality made me mad. the fact that he wants me to clear up my credit debt before I try to move out to Austin with him began to make me discouraged of the whole thing. The debt isn't that big. I made that debt of about $3000 back in 2003. In less than one year. I took out 2 credit cards. one for 200 and another for 1000 and maxed em out with cash advances so that I could go buy dope. I have not payed them back. Therefore the interest etc is massive. I was a big time addicted drug addict back then. Those were the consequences of my actions. And now, my boyfriend wants me to pay that back before I move in with him. * sigh*. I have from here to January to do that and SAVE up enough to move to Austin. Possible. Maybe. Frustrating. Yes. "Why does he want u to pay that back RIGHT NOW? Why don't you just save up enough to move to Austin and then try to budget to pay off your debt when you can afterwards? It's not like you are getting married?" - Mom. Yea, maybe. but Alex has a point. just go into this with a clean slate. right. God grant me patience with MYSELF! with LIFE! Talking about this makes me mad. it's still part of my self that avoids talking about anything displeasing. fuck the superego. The ID still wants to rule. I want Alex right now. I want to see him, touch him. I want to know that this is real. That I feel that this is what my life wants as a future. This is the discipline that I asked for. fuck. the little things. This blog served useless to aliviate any stress regarding these topics. Right now right now. I want to smoke some shit and fuck it all. Go back. 5 million steps back. Where is my own therapy? I think that I need to see someone to talk about this because it's feeling bad. It's not suppose to. not like this. it hadn't felt like this is a long time. when did it change?

Oh oh Brand new!

It's the picture of Health. yai yai.

My top 5

Favourite men. yum.

1. Tupac Shakur.

2. Sean Connery.

3. George Clooney.

4. Steve McQueen.

5. Benjamin Bratt.

So most of them are actors. ok, all of them are actors...one actor and musician. I just love em. Especially the first one.

U know what.

So I was thinking.

The last good Tupac (posthumous) album was Better Dayz. Eminem did a horrific job in producing 'Loyal to the game'...and the last one, 'Tupac's Life'...was, yea. Johnny J and Daz need to be the next, and maybe only ones to be touching the last of 'Pac's vocals for any album. They have the BEST, hands down, production on any of 'Pac's albums. I'm sure, that's not to be argued.

Adassa - La Manera

This girl is beautiful. And I absolutely love this song too.

U know I can't let that slide

aaaahh, that bad trip I had last nite. I guess I will somehow always have a lil part of me that's filled with that self loathe....but maybe that's just 5%......so here's the 95% left.....HEALTH! saywurd!

T.R.O.Y

Yes, they still reminisce over you.

As unhealthy as this girl may have been during the time this picture was taken ( July-Aug 2005).....I miss her. I miss being 20 pounds lighter, 4 sizes smaller, and with better teeth (damn you meth mouth).....all this happyness in health wears off sometimes...yes, my eyes just look healthier now....but really though, sometimes...especially to some persons....that's just not enough. I feel sad now. boo.

NIA in 2003-2005

Such a long time ago, such a different person that I was as well. This is one of the many reminders that I have from that 'era'. All Bad and yet so good. This is a 6 image collage that I made as a cover for one of my many mp3 mixed cd's that I make to accommodate my musical tastes. Yea, I get down like this when it comes to my 2 favourite passions: music & Art. fo sho.

Crushin' (Yeeeeaah!)

I got one of the greatest albums of all time today. Today, was a good day!

A lil bit of stanklove

Listening to that song is the best! Now I got my boyfriend to really like that song and he thinks of me when he listens to it too. haha. I'm missing him. I fantasize about him a lot. That's a good thing. How many people fantasize about their significant other now and days. * I do!* haha.

Expressing Fillins.

Love Is.......

-by Common

Yeah, yeah
[Chorus]How beautiful love can be
On the streets love is hard to see
It's a place I got to be
Loving you is loving me
How beautiful love can be
On the streets love is hard to see
Gotta reach that frequency
Loving you is loving me
[Verse 1]Yeah, you know what love is
Even found it on the ground where the thugs live
My man had to dig deep to find his
Couldn't sleep 'cause on the real he had five kids
Live nig's, real niggaz express and taste it
At crap games, black dames and big faces
Cases in court, fam' showin' love and support
You and your baby's mom thought that love was a sport
As men we were taught to hold it in
That's why we don't know how 'til we're older men
If love is a place I'ma go again
At least now, now I know to go within
At time it can take ya for a spinHeartbreak hotel then you're home again
I've seen love make a nigga soul pretend
Like a story that he don't want to end
Yo
[Chorus]
[Verse 2]It's all love where we come from
In the hood love we was told to run from
That same hood where the guns sung
We holla love, hopin' it would come one
Crack got so many lives undone
From lack of love many hide some run
I knew this girl with a son who dreamt of actin' in plays
Demonstration with her man had her trapped in a maze
Tryin' to find herself again, much of that she'd have gave
Love can free us, to it some of us react as a slave
Funny, we love 'em more when they're relaxed in a grave
Wonder if a thug is raw, is he actin' afraid?
Everybody loves sun, why do I attract shade?
Heard of the love of money, but compassion it pays
Talk about it with my youth so she'd understand
What it is to be loved by a manUh
[Chorus]
[Verse 3]Some say that I'm a dreamer 'cause I talk about it often
Seen the hardest nigga soften wit' his homie in a coffin
We walk and stand in, fall in it
With the right companion we all in it
Mary sang a song about it, having broad limits
In the game of life, it's the scrimage
Reminiscing on letters I wrote in my small days
A letter to the people, love always
Yeah
[Chorus]
♥

True Love

I ♥ My MARKERS!

so so def (in my left ear)

TEXAS was great! I loved it! I can't believe that I did, but I did. I want to go back! But with my babe.
My trip back was horrific!

• After arriving 2 hours early, my original flight went up in the air for an hour, only to land again in San Antonio due to mechanical door troubles with the door.


• Those 'mechanical door troubles' caused too much air pressure to come into the plane which gave me the worst ear ache ever! My left ear is still a little deaf as we speak.


• Had to pick up the bags from baggage claim and re-book another flight pronto.


• The next flight was delayed, good cos I was 'selected' to be searched by airport security, bad, cos it caused me to miss my connecting flight to phoenix from houston.


• after spending some 7 hours in the airport total, finally arrived in Phoenix at 5pm. My luggage didn't make that same trip. The airline will be delivering my bags to my house sometime today. oh and they better!

Yea. that was that. I had a great time in Texas, which is what counts. I met Lisa B, a good new friend. And got to re-unite with Aldi & Rocio, my girls 4 life!
check it out!

Aldi, Lisa B, Rocio, Me!

Girls made in Cali, are hot.




Nia & Aldi, friends since 2000.

I ♥ these girls

And these girls ♥ me!