Dig

I really did try to avoid expressing myself about my break up once it happened because I feel that it was better for me to try to feel the least bit emotion over it after that night. I even tried to do that the during the hours that followed that phone call because I didn't want to let any emotion take me over, the only one that I allowed though, was probably anger. I was so angry. Angry at him and angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I knew it was going to happen when it did. It should have happened much sooner. However, I think that had it happened when he first told me that he wasn't over his ex wife yet, I know that I would have deffinitely taken it in a different way.....in a much more painful way. Okay, so Ernest and I meet in person after online messages back and forth for a few weeks and one phone conversation.....that night that we met was just, in a whole other world it seems. The connection was intense and magnetic unlike any that I had prior (maybe just the one I had with Luis when we first met was at that level....and Luis was my love unlike any other for that).....the attraction, mentally, emotionally and phisically. It was too much. But we both wanted this at that time. That's why we took the road that we took....I dissolved any ties leftover from the hopeless relationship that I was in with Alex at the time and just fell in full body, heart and mind into what was going on with Ernest. I was in complete awe that I had met him, that he was who he was and wanted me for who I am in all elements. I did have that initial doubt that this was too good to be true. But soon enough, I got rid of that doubt and trusted my heart into believeing that I was falling in love with him. Everything in that first month that we were together was, the greatest. I all of a sudden loved every part of my life regardless of the circumstances (like being unemployed and not doing anything really for a period of months) ...because he was a part of my life. He was giving me his all, his love, his trust, and I was doing the same....maybe for the first time it was such a mutual connection in all parts that although it was new for me, it felt so right. It felt like what I knew I had been desiring all my life. He fullfilled my desire and my passion....we had common music interests, and he was open about listening to new music, like the music that I love and am passionate about...that's important to me! I love being able to introduce my favourite music choices to the persons that I allow in my life because it's a part of me...and so when this actually happened like with Murs for example, it was awsome! Only John had been able to be about music like me....I mean it was John who made me listen to "The Panties" by Mos Def for the first time and it just electrified my life! That kind of effect is so rare and so amazing.....so when it happened with Ernest, it was like a form of bliss. He played "Can u work wid that" by DJ Quik for me that first night after dinner and I was impressed. It's a song that I hadn't yet discovered and maybe because I heard it there in his truck, and that bass ( of course I love bass like no other) hitting when it did was crazy! Anyway, like I said, everything was just happening at this speed that was overwhelming yet didn't feel like that. You know that feeling that you have when u meet someone for the first time and it's a connection that just takes over, you don't want to be apart not one second....you just want to hold on to that moment, that person, that experience, that feeling....because it's just.....beautiful and intense. It's that realization that the mystery of love is in your grasp and you don't want to let it go away. So yes, we went to Vegas the next day and spent, from my take, the best weekend I've ever had in my life. Yea, to this day. It was this completely spontaneous turn of events that resulted in nothing but the greatest time for me, and I believe, for him as well. That's why we went on to start our relationship together. Maybe thanks to our experiences from the past, was this new chapter so cherished and welcomed for one another in a stronger way than it might have been had it happened during a different time. He was trying to get over his divorce, and I was trying to get over the hopelessness that resulted from being in a relationship with Alex after he had been in Iraq for a few months. It wasn't a hopelessness that resulted from being apart from him for so long, it was his actions and desicions that dissolved our love... my desire for him. I wasn't in love with Alex like I might have thought I was, or was trying to convince myself to be when we were together. That being comfortable with each other and him with my family is what kept us together as long as it did. My hopeless romanticism wasn't enough to keep us together either, especially after the whole engagement fiasco and so on. I was at that point where I wasn't believing that true love could happen because of everything that I've gone through and what was happening that started to make me more of a sullen realist than a passionate optimist that I usually am. Especially whne it comes to my heart's desire. So I feel like that just added that fuel to the fire when I met Ernest that night. I believe that I felt what true love was like that night, and what it was suppose to be for the month that followed. Call it the honeymoon stage, but maybe that's what the impact of true love feels like, the honeymoon stage....which is how many experience in the beginning of a relationship only...and maybe are able to capture it again throughout which can easily just remind one of how great it is to be with this person.....maybe right. Well back to it, when he told me that he wasn't over his x wife yet, at the beginning of July, it just...left me speechless. I was in such a mix of emotions that I couldn't even react to where I probably would have had I not been overwhelmed with the intensity of our relationship at that point. It went from such a drastic point to another that I just couldn't even try to figure it out. I had sensed a change in him in the week before and instead of trying to ask him about that sudden distance that I felt from him from one day to the other, I just chose to left it go and hope that I was only overreacting over nothing. I felt like I should leave him alone and just give him as much space as he wanted since we had spent almost a whole month with each other non stop. Yea, I probably still lack that comunication factor that kind of goes with my introvert ways that I've had all my life. I may be able to give it my all, but my mind still holds back in so many ways. That's a big reason why I became so intrigued with psychology...by just having the kind of mind that I have.....it's a force that I'm sure I can thank for every desicion that I've made in my life...the good and evil of it. Anyway, to sum up that second month, what I started to do was to try to detach myself from him in all ways possible. Just in case. I realized that I was way more in love with him that I thought I was when he went to Phoenix for almost a week during the 4th of july and I was at my house by myself, right after he told me that he wasn't over his ex yet. I was an emotional wreck. I couldn't stop crying when I started to think about the possiblity that we might not be together when he came back. Feeling that void in my heart was just as intense as the feeling of that fullfilment that being with him brought me. I couldn't believe that everything had been so great and then so lost from one moment to the other! I pretty much broke my own heart right there and then because I couldn't think of how much worse it would feel when he would choose to end it. That was one of the worst weeks that I've gone through in a while. The doubt that was more real than anything...especially after having trusted my heart to fall in love in the way that it did. That's why I was so heartbroken...I only failed myself for allowing my mind to trust that desire. So now I was in complete confusion over where we stood. I was preparing myself for the worst when he came back. He just, came back....and this is where I just will never know,...if he was trying to make it work with me because he truly wanted to, or because he felt like maybe he should.....to try to get over her for real. So that second month was really awkward. We were both just letting it go on to see what happened next. It did however, give me that time that I think I probably needed, to keep the proccess of detachment continue and to try to fall out of love with him.....because odds were, that he probably wasn't going to be so successful in just moving on from his ex in entirety....maybe he felt that he was finally moving on when we met. I seriously believe that was all genuine. I just don't think that it was as strong as it seemed since it ran it's course for a month and then he was back to nostalgia for her. There were moments, and days where it seemed like everything was back to the way it was at the beginning...and maybe I fed off those moments enough to keep going...hoping it would just all come back for us. The third month we were togther was a combination of that. Plus I became a little bit more busy with traveling to Cali and having my sister here for 3 weeks. I was able to put my mind on other things. And finally, I was able to land the job that I just really needed in my life right then. So we only spent a few days together when we could. Those days were good. But of course I knew that the feeling was gone. It wasn't there for him anymore I think. His interest in me was no longer what it was, espcially if he was comparing it to his feelings for his ex. I know, you can't help but to compare these things because it's all a part of your life, and you like to look at all parts and try to figure out what is going to work best for you. Anyway, when I started training for 5 weeks in Chandler, I really figured that this was going to either make it or break it. The first week I was there, it felt like we were going to make it. He was so attentive in communicating with me throught those days and it felt like this was really going to work. Then the week after that was completely opposite and it was just a repeat of that bad week I had for 4th of july. The fact he didn't want me present at his sister's wedding that weekend was right on it. His whole perception of who I was in his life became conflictive to his enjoyment of the event. I wanted to be there so bad. I wanted to see Anissa in her dress, his mom living out such a beautiful day for her daughter, I came to appreciate and care for them so much that seriously, with him not wanting me there, completely just finished the whole heartbreak and let me know that I just wasn't important to him any longer. So the phone call that we had the monday after the wedding was exactly what I had been preparing myself since the second month.....he finally just didn't want to continue our relationship and that's it. Be it that he's still in love with his ex wife, or just wants to be single, or just doesn't love me at all......that's it. The end. It is what it is. I tried to take it as best as I could, as non emotionally as possible, and it worked for a few hours. I'm grateful that I was where I was at, in life, phisically and on a road that was only set for success career wise and financially as well.....and I was around the persons that I am blessed to now have in my life as friends, no matter where we are located....they were there for me in all genuine ways as it was them who didn't want to leave me alone right after and gave me nothing but love and friendship that seriously, I hadn't experienced since I moved out here. Of course once I was alone in my room at the end of the night, it all hit me liek a ton of bricks and there I was crying....crying the last of the love and attachment that I had for him and us......it was the end of something that was so amazing for a period of time, and I'm always going to be grateful for that..and I guess it's my own fault that, or it's on me that I will now compare any succeeding relationship in the way that it feels from the start, to that of the one I had with Ernest. I think that's why I really have that urge to go to Vegas alone or with someone else so that I can make new memories so that I don't dwell on the ones I have with him. Replacement, of course doesn't always work. But I could at least attempt it. Everyone has to do what they have to in accomodation to balancing out their emotions for everyday life. Or to make life go smoother, better..or just different from the previous as ways to move on and keep going. It isn't until now, 3 years later, amd I completely over Luis like I never thought was possible. It took time, and everyhthing that happened during to be able to move on from him. Even though he was still a part of my life during that entire time, but things had changed, even if I didn't want them too. What's true is true and will last.....it will be able to accomplish the impossible and conquer all obstacles that are guaranteed when it comes to relationships. If you both want something so bad, like each other, and a life together...then there is no feeling of "requirement" to do things together . It's a desire of not wanting anything but that life together, because I still believe in true love. I'm a living definition of love and passion because it's always been a part of me. And during that time of my life where there was the absolute void of self love, was it just an element that proved to be necessary in recaptivating my true self and making it the most concrete part of me for the rest of my life. That desire and passion that I have about the person that I'm in love with, is just a branch of how I am about myself. And this experience with Ernest proved just so. I was able to fall in love like I didn't really think was possible...and am able to take the best of it and appreciate it and learn from it now that it's over. I still find myself missing him from time to time, it's only been about 3 weeks since he broke up with me. (I knew as much as I should have, I couldn't initiate it because I wanted him so much regardless)....but from this being so the truth of all experiences continues in never being an experience that doesn't make you a better person afterwards. I didn't do anything to make it end on my behalf....because I didn't want it to end,. and I'm not going to let this bring me down whatsoever. what's the point in that. One window closes, and another one always opens if you're doing things right. Believe me, it's going to take a while for me to trust my heart's desire again.....It's much more convenient to feel like an icebox for a while during which I can focus on working and making money. A new chapter once again. And I can't help but to feel some happiness in the results. I have to, I can't feel bad especially if he's not. Which I'm sure, he isn't. That's just the way it is.
Listening to: "Dig" - Incubus