rant rant rant rant

the bizzmillion things going on in my mind..........I'm trying to apply everything I've learned about myself regarding self improvement to my own desicions and choices that I make in everything because, well, for growth right? So I'm no taking 2 steps back? So I don't relapse. o and by the way, this weekend that I was in Salinas, was bad. not all of it. I got to see Luis. My heart. I got to hang out with the coolest cousins that I have, Maricruz and Edgar. The bad, I became upset at the fact that my parenst didn't want to let me go into Salinas (we were in Watsonville) because they still worry that I might want to smoke some shit again. as angry as I was over it (I felt like I had not given them a motivation to why)...they were right. I did want to get high. I wanted to buy a sack so that I smoke it and see if I could lose some pundage asap. what growth is that? What part of self improvement is that? maybe the fact that I DIDN"T.....but the thought was there. the motive really was there. Maybe because I was upset over it. Maybe because I'm slowly becoming obssesed and depressed over my weight. Over my body. My god. Why is this happening.The majority of the time....I do not think like this. maybe it was the state depedent variable of being in that place.....the whole routine of making that call, picking up that sack, packing the pipe, taking a hit, and not worrying about hunger for the next few days....... "You look much better now. U didn't look right so stick thin like u were before" - Luis. balance. balance. I'll find it. I'll find that balance.
Alejandro. The reality made me mad. the fact that he wants me to clear up my credit debt before I try to move out to Austin with him began to make me discouraged of the whole thing. The debt isn't that big. I made that debt of about $3000 back in 2003. In less than one year. I took out 2 credit cards. one for 200 and another for 1000 and maxed em out with cash advances so that I could go buy dope. I have not payed them back. Therefore the interest etc is massive. I was a big time addicted drug addict back then. Those were the consequences of my actions. And now, my boyfriend wants me to pay that back before I move in with him. * sigh*. I have from here to January to do that and SAVE up enough to move to Austin. Possible. Maybe. Frustrating. Yes. "Why does he want u to pay that back RIGHT NOW? Why don't you just save up enough to move to Austin and then try to budget to pay off your debt when you can afterwards? It's not like you are getting married?" - Mom. Yea, maybe. but Alex has a point. just go into this with a clean slate. right. God grant me patience with MYSELF! with LIFE! Talking about this makes me mad. it's still part of my self that avoids talking about anything displeasing. fuck the superego. The ID still wants to rule. I want Alex right now. I want to see him, touch him. I want to know that this is real. That I feel that this is what my life wants as a future. This is the discipline that I asked for. fuck. the little things. This blog served useless to aliviate any stress regarding these topics. Right now right now. I want to smoke some shit and fuck it all. Go back. 5 million steps back. Where is my own therapy? I think that I need to see someone to talk about this because it's feeling bad. It's not suppose to. not like this. it hadn't felt like this is a long time. when did it change?